there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
