She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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