So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
