I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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