I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
