she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
