she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize