mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize