another moral hangover. fuck.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
