I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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