A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
He shit in the fireplace
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
