May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
