Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Randomize
