I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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