If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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