The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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