the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
