You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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