I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
