It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
