i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Randomize
