I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
