I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
