I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
