you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
