he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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