Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
