So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
