Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
