And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
