I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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