Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
