She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
