peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
