From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
