Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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