I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
If I die, sorry about rent.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
