Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
