The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
