The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
