I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
