Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I will die if light touches me.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Randomize
