Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
