If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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