don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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