This is not my ceiling
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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