Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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