Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
