How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
