Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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