I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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