yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
