You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
