Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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