I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
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