Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
