I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
