I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
