Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize